I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just high enough for therapy.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
