I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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