maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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