sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
