I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
