this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
