apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
