what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
