i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
