So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
