I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
