My room smells like vodka and shame
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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