i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
