I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
