Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We're too hungover to prance.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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