so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
