my mouth tastes like poor choices
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
