I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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