you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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