Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
