i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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