Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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