Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
