I wish I could punch you in the face.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
