I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
