BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
