i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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