im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
