I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
COCAINE IS GR8
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
