Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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