Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
