the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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