The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
