I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
