Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
how drunk are you?
Several
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
