do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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