Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
