i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
