Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
