I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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