he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
