He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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