I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
