Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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