we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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