ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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