I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
