i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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