i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
