Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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